How I Realized That Annulment Was the Only Path Forward in My Marriage

Friends have been asking me~ How did I realize that Annulment was the only path forward in my marriage?

Well honestly speaking, it turns out that some efforts have an expiration date, and that sometimes, trying to fix the irreparable is impossible.

I had been thinking off and on about it for over 16 years. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT MANY TIMES. I honestly didn’t immediately think or consider“annulment,” at least not at that point. I thought it would have been easier if my parents left me my own property I could come home to before they migrated to another country -- some house where I could probably think things through when the rough times in my marriage were all happening.  And then that initial "separation" would be a testing ground for both -- like we would physically separate and then see how it goes without each other, or if I was going to miss him, or otherwise... Annulment only came up in the last few months; I knew we were not getting back together -- even if in reality, I was living in the same house for many years -- but we were like a divorced couple. We were inherently two different people; that was always true from the beginning. He could be a better man. But we were just no longer meant to be together. There was just a disconnection; there was always this time we were going to get to where our marriage was going to be different. That time was never real. It was an illusion.  And I knew it even back from the start.

His entire attitude changed after we got married.
We got married. He became the father of my children. I wanted us to work through it. So time kept going and going — but I finally realized that I needed to do what I could to thrive in this union.  Best as I could, it was difficult, and he took me for granted.  He plucked me out of the garden, and left me to wilt and dry in the parched life that he provided.  Like a cup of warm coffee that was left on top of the table and it just turns cold and stale, unnoticed.

His small insults turned into abuse.

I never wanted to get annulled.  Or divorced.  Or I just didn't want to be lined up alongside other women who were categorized as divorcees or somewhere in-between. I had moments of clarity, but I shut them down. I mean, I remember one time telling my coworker who got a bouquet of flowers that that was so wonderful. She asked if I had gotten anything and I said no, but that my husband was so wonderful, every day. I LIED. I didn’t mind. But I think on that now — and that was a big, fat lie, yes! But I needed to keep that going to help the marriage move forward. But then it got too much. His small insults turned into abuse. That’s when I gave myself mental permission to say, I’ve got to get out. I’m not going to survive this unless I get out. That’s when it all clicked and I said I’m not going to have my son and daughter raised in this situation. That was X years into our marriage. I married young, and there were lots of signs that I overlooked.  I simply did not experience how was it to be given some sweetness or affection the way other wives had it from their husbands.

I felt like I was not married to him.

Looking back, there were warning signs way early in the relationship. But then after a while the kids came, and kids take over your life. Seriously.  Things change a lot when the kids come.  You suddenly realize that you live not just for yourself, but for these young people. Kids are able to mask a lack of intimacy and emotional connection. At some point, and several years before my decision, I already knew that we were going to separate — it was just a matter of time, even though we’d never had the conversation. Finally and for the millionth time, we talked it out, he promised me a lot of changes, he said he would be a more proactive partner, the works... And I waited. And waited. And waited. It just didn’t feel genuine. Things got more volatile between us. It felt like there was a lot more yelling and screaming. We were always fighting. I wasn’t happy when he is home. I remembered what it was like to be excited. He traveled a lot for work. I’d be like, yay, he’s coming home! But it got to the point where I’d be disappointed if he was home a bit early. That was a big sign for me. I worked to try to overcome it, but there were just too many bad things going on already.

I really tried. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see a future.

I knew it was over because I lost respect for him. When we both decided to give our marriage a shot, I do believe he gave it his all. We went to counseling. We really tried. It was just that, no matter how hard we tried, I couldn’t respect him. I couldn’t see any credibility in him. I just wanted a nurturing relationship for our family; and I wanted to show my children that it was about respect, not just love. But no matter what we tried, it was just not happening. That’s when I knew.

The marriage had gone way too long with nothing getting better between us. I ended up deciding on this after not just one issue or thing, but all the little things that led up to it. Like a million moles that turned into a huge, gigantic mountain. All the arguing and irritants that couldn’t be resolved; nasty behavior that couldn’t be changed. We were at an end, a deadlock, and that was when I started to consider ending it. I heard somewhere that the average woman thinks about leaving a marriage 10 times before they actually do. Basically, it just came to a day where I knew the situation had gotten way too bad for way too long. Way too long without anything being resolved. So I decided on it.

There was always this time we were going to get to where our marriage would be different.

I had been thinking off and on for many years. We talked about it, and see what that was like. I honestly didn’t immediately think “annulment,” at least not at that point. I thought we would separate and then see how it goes. Annulment only came up in the last few months; I knew we were not getting back together. We were inherently two different people; that was always true from the beginning. He’s a good man, I still want to believe. But we were just no longer meant to be together. There was just a disconnect; there was always this time we were going to get to where our marriage was going to be different. That time was never real. It was an illusion.

When my life got tough, he didn’t step up.

Accepting that it was over took a really long time. I probably first realized, in all honesty, three months after the birth of our first born. I started to think: maybe ’til death do us part’ doesn’t make sense. I wanted to do everything I could to save it. But at some point I realized this was the path we were probably going to head to. I was very accepting of his small flaws. But he was breaking promises. That stuff happens naturally in all marriages, I know, but it was hard for me to gauge his level of commitment until we hit the real rough patches. For me, when there were things that came up in my life that had me at my lowest; my mom left for another country for good, i lost my job, financial crises here and there, he didn’t step up to be a partner. There was an unwillingness to change or improve on his part too. He couldn’t step up to be the partner that I needed.  And I waited....  and waited.... and waited.

The Flip Side of Current Events

The flip side of current events happening right now ---

I am still hurting but moving on to rosy pastures, where pink-colored glasses are available and real.  Fucktard has been a thousand times nastier to me than the usual.  My only consolation is that  with that, I do not feel that I wasted my thousands of bucks paying my lawyer for annulment.

Yes, I intend to move on, and I have never felt so liberated and free.  But I am still living in the same place with him as  I have no means to go and move elsewhere.  My children are still with me, although the eldest is already an adult, the youngest is still a minor as of this writing and I have to wait a couple more years before I could totally let her stand and decide on her own.

I only want the best for my children.  Only, I cannot give them a full and complete family.  No one deserves to be in a rut.  I do not wish to have an annulled marriage.  But certain things pushed me to do so, and  I realized that there is a word called "happiness" outside the confines of this house.

I have been in this loveless marriage a very long time.  I waited for the children to grow up.  I saved a lot of money because annulment is very very expensive, and only a few privileged individuals can afford it.  I consider myself one of them. Yes, thankfully, I am able to.  But I am not wealthy.  I just know where to put my hard-earned money into. 

Many women like me in my home country are trapped in a loveless marriage like mine.  I feel sorry for them because we are the only country in the world that does not have Divorce.  The Catholic church is a very powerful force in my home country and their voice is The Voice.  No actual separation of church and state in here, and they dictate a whole damn lot.

I consider myself included in that small percentage of women who can pay for an annulment.  But that doesn't make it easy for us to do so.  For one, the justice system in this country takes a slow and long lime to finish.  It takes 2-3 years or even more than that for one's petition to come down.  And if the spouse contests, then you are on to an ever longer battle. :(

After Many Months of Contemplating

After many months of contemplating what to do, I finally, finally decided --

 

--- that I need to have something new in my life.

I Have Closed This Blog to Public Readers

I have closed this blog to public readers for the last several months.  

Now I have decided to OPEN it again after 5 months and 26 days exact,
for all my loyal readers to see and read.

I feel the urgent need to have them around me once again, for solace and comfort.

SO TO ALL THOSE WHO CANNOT TAKE ME AS I AM:

-- Stay away if you do not agree.  

-- Stay away if you are a loving wife.

-- Stay away if you love your husband to bits.

-- Stay away if you adore him.

-- Stay away if you will just leave me with preachy words.

--  Stay away if you cannot stomach all the hate I have and will post still.

LIVE and LET LIVE!!!

I Scream and Cry Inside

I scream and cry inside but I never dare to show my fragile state.

My Cough is Not Completely Up

My cough is not completely up, but I am getting better a bit. My Antibiotics are kicking in but not doing its job in full force.

Just an important thought lurking in my mind -- One of my frustrations in this house is that not once ever was I able to invite friends over for a get-together, or a friendly chat over coffee with old time friends. This is because my garage is right beside the bedroom of my in laws and making noise is forbidden. Or else, they will be disturbed.

I have endured that for many many years -- over 20 years, to be exact, and going 21st this December.

Now, I have a different story. My husband's father is home from the hospital and he is of course, given all the comfort and pampering by his family members.

I have a very useful playground out in the garage that helps me get a lot of enrollees in my center due to the attraction that it gives to potential students. It has, in many ways, served its purpose of allowing my center to be child-friendly, and "fun".

Problem now is -- I was told this afternoon, that my students can't play that much anymore because of the noise they might create -- which will disturb my husband's father who is resting in his room just beside the garage...

I feel so stifled now that this new rule has to be imposed and implemented. For 20 long years, I have not celebrated anything in this house, for the noise it might generate. And then now, I get THIS...

I wish I had a magic wand to transport me to a new home where I can just be myself. I am not a noisy person, to be honest. I only want to experience some personal, "domestic relaxation" -- something that I have been denied of for many years.

I can't even call this house my home.

My son cannot play his piano music when the old folks are in their room (which they almost always are)... Otherwise, they will hear the music, and it will bother them. There are so many prohibited things in this place. it's like Martial law is raised and will never be lifted ever.

One time, we were out attending Mass, and we got a call from my husband's mother, asking why our dogs are barking in the second floor of our house. I really felt sorry that even our dogs were "questioned" about their "activities" in this house.

We were all not at home at that time, so maybe the dogs were just barking at some random stimulus... I feel sorry that if only the folks in the other house can put them in prison, they will. :(

I Wish Posting Words Can Have an Automatic Timer

I wish posting words can have an automatic timer just like when I post photos in my other pages. That way, I just need to post and set the time and date, and presto, it will publish on its own. I have not written in a while because I am sick. And it always takes more than a month to get over any sickness I get.

My cough is always getting worse, and the coughing fits are also getting more frequent than ever. They always make me tear up when I do. All my scheduled health tests will have to be moved because of this as one of them requires me NOT to take this certain kind of medicine, lest it will generate inaccurate results.

No one realizes the fact that I lead a very sad life. I am just so good in juggling how real things are on the flip side. There are many things keeping me this way, and it is hard to explain to the whole world why, and where it stems from. Somehow I have accepted my fate. I eat alone, my husband is busy fulfilling his duties for his family, he comes home only to leave again, my kids are always out or far away from me, and so I have retreated to just stand beside my business, manning it until late in the evening, even if I am ailing. The show must go on, as they say.

Every time I get sick, it lasts for more than a month, and coughing is really bad. Last time I checked, a blood vessel in my eye broke and I had to live for months with a red speck in the white of my left eye. All because of excessive coughing. I hate this kind of sickness I often get. I prefer having a bad cold over coughing. My chest hurts really bad and my throat aches due to this too. My antibiotics are not acting fast.

After a very long time of not experiencing this emotion, I feel happy that today, my son messaged me that he wants to come home tonight because he misses us. I am happy because for a while, I have observed how much he is beginning to be insensitive like his father, and sadly, he does not care even if he sees me or his sister cry or feel troubled. Maybe I still have a little of myself in this young man, after all. I hope he will grow older to be a caring, and sensitive soul. Someone who will show genuine care, kindness, and love to me, his sister, and women in general.

I Wonder How Many Women in This World Have Somewhat of a Liar for a Husband?

I wonder how many women in this world have somewhat of a liar for a husband? Mine is just as soft spoken as a purring kitten, but he has some issues too in my book.

How can he even bring me to see my doctors or accomplish the medical tests that I need to rule out my health, when first thing in the morning as I open my eyes, he is nowhere to be seen at home.

He leaves the house very early, and does not say a word, nor leaves a text message as to where he is. I swear I told him last time that if anything happens to him or me, I would not know where in the world he would be located. He also does not reply to calls, and always tells me that he either could not hear his phone, or there isn't any good signal in his whereabouts.So it is a common practice that he would go home from God knows where, to bring me take out food to eat. This includes a dinner fix, because his next homecoming would be later in the evening.

He fetches my daughter from school, and drops her at home. And then he leaves again, and that's it. So I often eat alone. I have learned to thrive in this kind of set-up, so as I mentioned, I dine in the company of my gadgets. The reason I have collected hundreds of movie torrents in my trusty old usb is because of this.

There are X numbers of his siblings. All here in this country now to just order him around most of the time. The older and more "bossy" ones are somewhat "immune" to this hospital duty thing. I also have not seen him sit and open his laptop to work and man his business. So when am I going to have my day when things are like this at home? Perhaps I have to wait for death to claim my father in law so I can also have someone accompany me to attend to my own personal needs. But I know that this would take longer to happen.

The Lump in the Palm of My Hand is Growing

The lump in the palm of my hand is growing. I guess my Creatinine test and MRI have to wait longer because my husband is too pre-occupied taking care of his father in the hospital.

I do not have anything against this, but there are X numbers of other siblings who can also do this. And they all have helpers, and drivers to move around for them.

So just because we live beside my in laws automatically designates my husband to be more assigned to mind all the stuff in the hospital. I think they all forgot that he works too, has a family, and that we do not have any help at home. I feel so empty and I need someone to talk to. But no one is available. I have decided to just make this account my witness and sounding board.

I Haven't Slept at All

I haven't slept at all. Had to finish paper work, and important posts for my business' fan page. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and change my fortune.

I wish I hadn't gotten married at all. Marriage adds to the problem. Having a husband on paper is of no use. Only the children matter.

I wish I have someone to at least eat lunch or dinner with. Always, and even during normal days, my companion is the laptop screen in front of me. I feel so alone and sad.

I Hate Mondays

I hate Mondays. All the blues are coming out. My work takes me to teach rowdy children, and deal with hard to please parents from 1:30 pm to 9:30 pm daily.

Worse, my earnings go to payables and bills.

I want to be able to reinvent myself and work with dogs.

Or dead people.

It's Been A While Again

This is a VERY LATE POST which I have published only now.  I cannot anymore remember when this exactly happened, but surely it did, not too long ago. Anyway, here it goes ---

It's been a while again since I wrote on this gripe account.  Been very busy lately with Momma duties for my children.  Thankfully, I have them, because they are my source of joy -- after which my dogs come next in the list.

So anyway, life has been great lately -- but not on the marital side of things, of course.  As usual, my story is the same -- same asshole husband, asshole sisters in law, and asshole brothers in law.  I've been a sad member of this asshole family since 19 years ago, and I cannot quite believe that I have lasted this long.

So many stories have long waited to be recorded down here, and sadly, some have been forgotten already, because the minute I turned xx, my mind has been winded down to being somewhat forgetful and slow.

Anyway, just the other effing day, the richest sister in law of this family left a nasty and insensitive comment on Viber --  making my asshole husband look poorer literally and figuratively -- to which, he bravely replied to and disagreed on.

As usual, no one added a comment to it, and seen-zoned it, as usual.  Minutes after, the eldest fat asshole sister in law commented, but changed the topic, to which the rest of them assholes added comments to, in agreement to what she said.  Such major whorers, really.

In defense to what he responded to his rich asshole sister, I commented below and agreed to him.  The nerve of this sthoopid husband to even tell me that I shouldn't have commented at all!  FU! to your dumb face, Fucktard!  Instead of being grateful and happy that I stood up for him, he reacted otherwise!

Wow, I truly belong to this cursed, damned life after all...

I Wish I Had A Different Husband

I have left this blog lying around (again) for some time, and am surprised that it has had 7k+ visits since the last time I logged in.  How can I thank you enough, for always supporting me in my woes, my dearest readers...  I always open this blog to find messages waiting to be published, and I am truly sorry for letting time run through like that without checking in earlier.  Your comments make me happy, so wherever you are in this part of the globe, I appreciate you, and the words you leave behind for me.

Always I tell myself that I will write every time something bad happens, but believe me, whenever something happens, my trusty laptop is far from being with me.  I end up reminding myself that I will come up with a post after Fucktard does something to annoy me, or whenever any of his equally shitty siblings invade or trample on my stubby toes.

Several months ago, I was compelled to join Fucktard's family Viber group.  Since as I have mentioned in this blog not too long ago that his mother and sisters are all matriarchal -- I didn't have any choice but to put up.  Believe me, it is very difficult for me to be able to speak up to this horrible family, as I have nowhere to go but stay in this house.  My family, who migrated long ago to the States, did not leave any property for me to "run or go home to" whenever marital problems arise, or when I just feel like I want out.  So when I married this Son of a Bitch husband, I am stuck with him -- in this old house given by his rich parents, and endure my life living next door to them.

I have endured days when one sister in law would casually drop by unannounced, and check what was inside my refrigerator, or barge in our room to just "visit."  Fuck that bitch.  I want to kill them all and erase them from this planet.

Oh dear God, please help me escape this tiring life.  All I want is to be with my children, run away to be with my mom and sister in the States.

Once again, this Son of a Bitch slept on me while I was crying my heart out.  Who among you has a husband like mine?  Who gets to have the title of "All men are idiots and I married their King?"

More about what happened tonight in my next entry. It's 4:18am and I need to rest my tired eyes now.

Finally Did This

Today is one of those days where I really feel like letting bloody heads roll off the table.  And because of this seething anger, I managed to remove you, together with your crappy family members in my Facebook account.  Never mind that days after this perhaps, I will regret doing that for fear that I will be questioned and interrogated by your breed.  But things like deleting people from social media are free to do in this world, and are just one of the things I am glad to avail of.

For one, I regret joining you and your family ever since I married you 19 years ago.  I should have listened to my guts when I learned that you are 8 in the family, and that your mother, and your sisters are all matriarchal types, who always want to have the upper hand in everything -- family affairs, parties, eating out in restaurants, name it and they all want and get what they want from anything.

Why is it that you have a sibling who is an accomplished, practicing doctor, and who feels like she is above everyone else.  That one particular evening I called her house to ask for help regarding our son who was sick, and her maid answered that your doctor sister was having her dinner!

I replied by requesting for a return call, but of course I never received one.  What kind of doctor is she, for not even bothering to return my call despite knowing that our son -- her nephew, was sick and all, and I of course, I called with such urgency and worry...

If people who become doctors end like that, then I would wish there wouldn't be any doctors at all in the world.

And oh my, I wonder why most of your siblings try endlessly to get to the good graces of one niece and two nephews who are the kids of one stinking, filthy rich sister and brother in law...?

That every year they celebrate their lavish birthdays, your butt-licker siblings send a blanket of email greetings dripping with sweetness and the like.  And when our kids have theirs, we get a dry, HBD -- makes me feel like I even owe them for extra hard work of typing in 3 little capital letters on email...

Why, even our kids hate your siblings. I wouldn't be surprised that by the time they reach adulthood and become accomplished people in their chosen careers, they would not even bother to care for their senior citizen aunts and uncles!

I wish my family was here --- my mom, my sister....  I wish my parents left a property to call my own...  If that would be the case, then I would have left you eons ago and groped to stand on my own, fending for myself and the kids even if I have to grit my teeth from working hard.

But I had to stay in your house for the last 16 years -- all this time trying my best to live in this place, so near your family and siblings.  How many times did they bother and annoy me?  I will not specify what they are for you know them all, and not even my entire lifetime of typing them would be enough to count the heartaches I've received from them.

You are all sons and daughters of a bitch and I regret the days I spent with all of you.  You are the very reason I grew bitter and sullen.

Your sister's bitch daughters once bitched our daughter, and now, she cannot erase that from her young memory.  How else can I shield my child from the harsh realities of life like that?  Getting bitched is one, but getting bitched by your very own cousins is another.

And may I ask what you did to correct this? NOTHING.  You just stood there like the idiot you are, accepting everything like a coward father.  And when I raise the issue to you, you have the face to scold me like I am the one who brews up intrigues in your family.

I hate you and I hate your 7 other siblings, together with 4 of their spouses.  I swear when I die, I will haunt you all and scare the shit out of all of you.  No worries, for I will not kill you.  But I promise to scare you all for life until all of you lose your wits.  Same goes to all your nephews and nieces who are not nice to my children...

If I can only do some black magic, believe me, I would, and will carry on with my promise to all of you.