Friends have been asking me~ How did I realize that Annulment was the only path forward in my marriage?
Well honestly speaking, it turns out that some efforts have an expiration date, and that sometimes, trying to fix the irreparable is impossible.
I had been thinking off and on about it for over 16 years. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT MANY TIMES. I honestly didn’t immediately think or consider“annulment,” at least not at that point. I thought it would have been easier if my parents left me my own property I could come home to before they migrated to another country -- some house where I could probably think things through when the rough times in my marriage were all happening. And then that initial "separation" would be a testing ground for both -- like we would physically separate and then see how it goes without each other, or if I was going to miss him, or otherwise... Annulment only came up in the last few months; I knew we were not getting back together -- even if in reality, I was living in the same house for many years -- but we were like a divorced couple. We were inherently two different people; that was always true from the beginning. He could be a better man. But we were just no longer meant to be together. There was just a disconnection; there was always this time we were going to get to where our marriage was going to be different. That time was never real. It was an illusion. And I knew it even back from the start.
His entire attitude changed after we got married.
We got married. He became the father of my children. I wanted us to work through it. So time kept going and going — but I finally realized that I needed to do what I could to thrive in this union. Best as I could, it was difficult, and he took me for granted. He plucked me out of the garden, and left me to wilt and dry in the parched life that he provided. Like a cup of warm coffee that was left on top of the table and it just turns cold and stale, unnoticed.
His small insults turned into abuse.
I never wanted to get annulled. Or divorced. Or I just didn't want to be lined up alongside other women who were categorized as divorcees or somewhere in-between. I had moments of clarity, but I shut them down. I mean, I remember one time telling my coworker who got a bouquet of flowers that that was so wonderful. She asked if I had gotten anything and I said no, but that my husband was so wonderful, every day. I LIED. I didn’t mind. But I think on that now — and that was a big, fat lie, yes! But I needed to keep that going to help the marriage move forward. But then it got too much. His small insults turned into abuse. That’s when I gave myself mental permission to say, I’ve got to get out. I’m not going to survive this unless I get out. That’s when it all clicked and I said I’m not going to have my son and daughter raised in this situation. That was X years into our marriage. I married young, and there were lots of signs that I overlooked. I simply did not experience how was it to be given some sweetness or affection the way other wives had it from their husbands.
I felt like I was not married to him.
Looking back, there were warning signs way early in the relationship. But then after a while the kids came, and kids take over your life. Seriously. Things change a lot when the kids come. You suddenly realize that you live not just for yourself, but for these young people. Kids are able to mask a lack of intimacy and emotional connection. At some point, and several years before my decision, I already knew that we were going to separate — it was just a matter of time, even though we’d never had the conversation. Finally and for the millionth time, we talked it out, he promised me a lot of changes, he said he would be a more proactive partner, the works... And I waited. And waited. And waited. It just didn’t feel genuine. Things got more volatile between us. It felt like there was a lot more yelling and screaming. We were always fighting. I wasn’t happy when he is home. I remembered what it was like to be excited. He traveled a lot for work. I’d be like, yay, he’s coming home! But it got to the point where I’d be disappointed if he was home a bit early. That was a big sign for me. I worked to try to overcome it, but there were just too many bad things going on already.
I really tried. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see a future.
I knew it was over because I lost respect for him. When we both decided to give our marriage a shot, I do believe he gave it his all. We went to counseling. We really tried. It was just that, no matter how hard we tried, I couldn’t respect him. I couldn’t see any credibility in him. I just wanted a nurturing relationship for our family; and I wanted to show my children that it was about respect, not just love. But no matter what we tried, it was just not happening. That’s when I knew.
The marriage had gone way too long with nothing getting better between us. I ended up deciding on this after not just one issue or thing, but all the little things that led up to it. Like a million moles that turned into a huge, gigantic mountain. All the arguing and irritants that couldn’t be resolved; nasty behavior that couldn’t be changed. We were at an end, a deadlock, and that was when I started to consider ending it. I heard somewhere that the average woman thinks about leaving a marriage 10 times before they actually do. Basically, it just came to a day where I knew the situation had gotten way too bad for way too long. Way too long without anything being resolved. So I decided on it.
There was always this time we were going to get to where our marriage would be different.
I had been thinking off and on for many years. We talked about it, and see what that was like. I honestly didn’t immediately think “annulment,” at least not at that point. I thought we would separate and then see how it goes. Annulment only came up in the last few months; I knew we were not getting back together. We were inherently two different people; that was always true from the beginning. He’s a good man, I still want to believe. But we were just no longer meant to be together. There was just a disconnect; there was always this time we were going to get to where our marriage was going to be different. That time was never real. It was an illusion.When my life got tough, he didn’t step up.
Accepting that it was over took a really long time. I probably first realized, in all honesty, three months after the birth of our first born. I started to think: maybe ’til death do us part’ doesn’t make sense. I wanted to do everything I could to save it. But at some point I realized this was the path we were probably going to head to. I was very accepting of his small flaws. But he was breaking promises. That stuff happens naturally in all marriages, I know, but it was hard for me to gauge his level of commitment until we hit the real rough patches. For me, when there were things that came up in my life that had me at my lowest; my mom left for another country for good, i lost my job, financial crises here and there, he didn’t step up to be a partner. There was an unwillingness to change or improve on his part too. He couldn’t step up to be the partner that I needed. And I waited.... and waited.... and waited.
