I Have Closed This Blog to Public Readers

I have closed this blog to public readers for the last several months.  

Now I have decided to OPEN it again after 5 months and 26 days exact,
for all my loyal readers to see and read.

I feel the urgent need to have them around me once again, for solace and comfort.

SO TO ALL THOSE WHO CANNOT TAKE ME AS I AM:

-- Stay away if you do not agree.  

-- Stay away if you are a loving wife.

-- Stay away if you love your husband to bits.

-- Stay away if you adore him.

-- Stay away if you will just leave me with preachy words.

--  Stay away if you cannot stomach all the hate I have and will post still.

LIVE and LET LIVE!!!

I Scream and Cry Inside

I scream and cry inside but I never dare to show my fragile state.

My Cough is Not Completely Up

My cough is not completely up, but I am getting better a bit. My Antibiotics are kicking in but not doing its job in full force.

Just an important thought lurking in my mind -- One of my frustrations in this house is that not once ever was I able to invite friends over for a get-together, or a friendly chat over coffee with old time friends. This is because my garage is right beside the bedroom of my in laws and making noise is forbidden. Or else, they will be disturbed.

I have endured that for many many years -- over 20 years, to be exact, and going 21st this December.

Now, I have a different story. My husband's father is home from the hospital and he is of course, given all the comfort and pampering by his family members.

I have a very useful playground out in the garage that helps me get a lot of enrollees in my center due to the attraction that it gives to potential students. It has, in many ways, served its purpose of allowing my center to be child-friendly, and "fun".

Problem now is -- I was told this afternoon, that my students can't play that much anymore because of the noise they might create -- which will disturb my husband's father who is resting in his room just beside the garage...

I feel so stifled now that this new rule has to be imposed and implemented. For 20 long years, I have not celebrated anything in this house, for the noise it might generate. And then now, I get THIS...

I wish I had a magic wand to transport me to a new home where I can just be myself. I am not a noisy person, to be honest. I only want to experience some personal, "domestic relaxation" -- something that I have been denied of for many years.

I can't even call this house my home.

My son cannot play his piano music when the old folks are in their room (which they almost always are)... Otherwise, they will hear the music, and it will bother them. There are so many prohibited things in this place. it's like Martial law is raised and will never be lifted ever.

One time, we were out attending Mass, and we got a call from my husband's mother, asking why our dogs are barking in the second floor of our house. I really felt sorry that even our dogs were "questioned" about their "activities" in this house.

We were all not at home at that time, so maybe the dogs were just barking at some random stimulus... I feel sorry that if only the folks in the other house can put them in prison, they will. :(

I Wish Posting Words Can Have an Automatic Timer

I wish posting words can have an automatic timer just like when I post photos in my other pages. That way, I just need to post and set the time and date, and presto, it will publish on its own. I have not written in a while because I am sick. And it always takes more than a month to get over any sickness I get.

My cough is always getting worse, and the coughing fits are also getting more frequent than ever. They always make me tear up when I do. All my scheduled health tests will have to be moved because of this as one of them requires me NOT to take this certain kind of medicine, lest it will generate inaccurate results.

No one realizes the fact that I lead a very sad life. I am just so good in juggling how real things are on the flip side. There are many things keeping me this way, and it is hard to explain to the whole world why, and where it stems from. Somehow I have accepted my fate. I eat alone, my husband is busy fulfilling his duties for his family, he comes home only to leave again, my kids are always out or far away from me, and so I have retreated to just stand beside my business, manning it until late in the evening, even if I am ailing. The show must go on, as they say.

Every time I get sick, it lasts for more than a month, and coughing is really bad. Last time I checked, a blood vessel in my eye broke and I had to live for months with a red speck in the white of my left eye. All because of excessive coughing. I hate this kind of sickness I often get. I prefer having a bad cold over coughing. My chest hurts really bad and my throat aches due to this too. My antibiotics are not acting fast.

After a very long time of not experiencing this emotion, I feel happy that today, my son messaged me that he wants to come home tonight because he misses us. I am happy because for a while, I have observed how much he is beginning to be insensitive like his father, and sadly, he does not care even if he sees me or his sister cry or feel troubled. Maybe I still have a little of myself in this young man, after all. I hope he will grow older to be a caring, and sensitive soul. Someone who will show genuine care, kindness, and love to me, his sister, and women in general.

I Wonder How Many Women in This World Have Somewhat of a Liar for a Husband?

I wonder how many women in this world have somewhat of a liar for a husband? Mine is just as soft spoken as a purring kitten, but he has some issues too in my book.

How can he even bring me to see my doctors or accomplish the medical tests that I need to rule out my health, when first thing in the morning as I open my eyes, he is nowhere to be seen at home.

He leaves the house very early, and does not say a word, nor leaves a text message as to where he is. I swear I told him last time that if anything happens to him or me, I would not know where in the world he would be located. He also does not reply to calls, and always tells me that he either could not hear his phone, or there isn't any good signal in his whereabouts.So it is a common practice that he would go home from God knows where, to bring me take out food to eat. This includes a dinner fix, because his next homecoming would be later in the evening.

He fetches my daughter from school, and drops her at home. And then he leaves again, and that's it. So I often eat alone. I have learned to thrive in this kind of set-up, so as I mentioned, I dine in the company of my gadgets. The reason I have collected hundreds of movie torrents in my trusty old usb is because of this.

There are X numbers of his siblings. All here in this country now to just order him around most of the time. The older and more "bossy" ones are somewhat "immune" to this hospital duty thing. I also have not seen him sit and open his laptop to work and man his business. So when am I going to have my day when things are like this at home? Perhaps I have to wait for death to claim my father in law so I can also have someone accompany me to attend to my own personal needs. But I know that this would take longer to happen.

The Lump in the Palm of My Hand is Growing

The lump in the palm of my hand is growing. I guess my Creatinine test and MRI have to wait longer because my husband is too pre-occupied taking care of his father in the hospital.

I do not have anything against this, but there are X numbers of other siblings who can also do this. And they all have helpers, and drivers to move around for them.

So just because we live beside my in laws automatically designates my husband to be more assigned to mind all the stuff in the hospital. I think they all forgot that he works too, has a family, and that we do not have any help at home. I feel so empty and I need someone to talk to. But no one is available. I have decided to just make this account my witness and sounding board.

I Haven't Slept at All

I haven't slept at all. Had to finish paper work, and important posts for my business' fan page. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and change my fortune.

I wish I hadn't gotten married at all. Marriage adds to the problem. Having a husband on paper is of no use. Only the children matter.

I wish I have someone to at least eat lunch or dinner with. Always, and even during normal days, my companion is the laptop screen in front of me. I feel so alone and sad.

I Hate Mondays

I hate Mondays. All the blues are coming out. My work takes me to teach rowdy children, and deal with hard to please parents from 1:30 pm to 9:30 pm daily.

Worse, my earnings go to payables and bills.

I want to be able to reinvent myself and work with dogs.

Or dead people.