I created this new blog even if I already have one. I need to vent out my pent up feelings towards my husband who is the worst husband ever. I wish my Mom was here to comfort me, or talk to me the least, so I could feel better about so many things, which started the minute I decided to marry this man.
If I can only bring back time, I wouldn't have married this guy. The only reason I am apprehensive about leaving this life is because of my two children. I do not want to break them. I want them to grow up whole, unblemished, and happy. So much unlike me.
No one knows what I am going through because I cannot tell the whole world freely, comfortably... One, I am a prisoner in this old house. My parents were foolish not to have left me with their own property after they migrated to the US. Ergo, I do not own one, even a humble abode or otherwise. I will forever live in this little house beside my husband's parents, and will forever not have the garden that I've always dreamed of having.
I hate God. I hate it that He plays favorites, and that He gave me this kind of life as if I am His worst creation. Right now, I am jobless. I lost my job a few months back, and I need to have one by next year. I hate to rely on my husband's money, and wish I am financially independent.
When I married this fucking creep, I thought I would be the happiest woman. But all things are meant to be dreams for me, I guess. This man did not take care of me nor our relationship. He is not a good leader in the household, not a good steward of money, time, all things in general. He does nothing except sleep, eat, wake up early only to watch the news, listen to the news, read the news, fucking asshole, I promise that's all that he does. I sometimes wish he had a hobby that I could share doing with. But no, this man is also stupid, his mouth stinks like shit, and is a certified born loser. His siblings are far better than him, and I just don't know -- maybe he was a menopausal baby, because everything about him sucks.
When I hurt, he laughs at me and feels nothing about it. He is the most insensitive guy on Earth. He does not even count the fact that since I am the woman, I need to be taken care of like a gardener does a flower. He does not open doors for me, does not strive to give me a better life. In front of the children, he doesn't show any amount of affection to me. I am afraid my first born will treat his future wife the same way his shitty father does. And I am fearful too, that my little girl will think all men are born like her dad, she will not marry anymore. Oh God, if You truly are a living God, then why did You give me this kind of life on Earth? I am a big loser in my own eyes because of this kind of life I am in, so why did You not pluck me out of this? I am tired of everything there is. Please pity me, please do!
When I hurt, this husband does not cry with me. He ignores me and I do not feel that he loves me. And so over the years that passed, I also felt like every waking hour is a thing to fulfill because I need to do it. Because I have my children. Because his family will curse me if I decide to do what I have been wanting to do ever since. They all think their son/brother is tops. What they ought to know is that their son/brother is a big, fat shit of a husband who doesn't know how to treat a wife.
Even my children hate him at times. Because he does not bond with them. All he does when they want to have time with him is sleep. He doesn't even make them laugh. Oh God, why did he become my children's father?!? I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could have settled for a better man -- someone who will lead me and my children properly, someone who is a good family man -- husband and father -- someone who is a strong and grounded Christian who will lead me towards doing good and feeling good.
I wish I married a good pastor. Someone who will be proud of me and my achievements. Someone who will inspire me until I grow old. Someone who I can laugh with, converse with, walk with, do something with, all the good, simple stuff in the world! I so hate my husband. It is difficult to put into words how this fucking shitty guy is. He looks pretty innocent, mind you, if you get to meet him. He is one hell of a good actor. Not one soul in church knows what we are going through. I could say the same with his equally fucking shit family.
I wonder what he would think of if this blog appears right in front of his very eyes. I bet he wouldn't even know. I bet he would play clueless, as if he did not do anything wrong, or even try to feel guilty of some sort for not being a good husband and provider to me.
Oh God, I so hate my husband! I need friends to share my story with. I wish I had real friends who share my dilemma. I remember many years ago, I thought it would be nice to poison this shit slowly. If only I had a house of my own, I would not stay in this place. I would also run away and bring my kids to the States where my Mom is. Oh, I so hate my husband. I could scream it out to the whole world and still feel the same bad feeling I am feeling now.
I need friends whom I can share my sentiments with... Please leave a message if you hate your husband too.
This blog is so liberating...
If words could only kill...
I know you had loads of fun being with your fucktard classmates. Good for you because you have them all. I so hate this fucking life with you! And you don't even know that I removed you from my Facebook contacts list. Hah!
